Doubt.

“Finn,” he said, and she knew it was something serious by the way her name lingered in the air like a cloud.

“Mm?” she mumbled back, sleepily tracing her free hand across his chest. Her eyes were half hooded, watching the evening light catch like fire on the crimson strands of his hair splayed across the pillow. The pads of her fingers ran trails across his skin, delighting in their freedom to do so, and a soft smile tugged at her mouth in the pause that followed.

“Do you ever have doubts?” was the heavy weight pulling her lover’s mind down, and Finn staggered under the unexpectedness of the question. She gained a foothold a moment later, her eyes drifting to his hand that lie on his stomach. She admired the slender fingers, calloused from a lifetime of work and strain, tipped by claws that were meant for tearing and prying. She had only ever felt gentleness from them over the years, had only felt warmth when she slipped her delicate hands into his capable ones. The digits were the same, the spaces between his fingers always waiting for hers to fill them. She thought of the girls at court, who often approached her during her travels and asked what it was to be in love with such a man. Finn always knew what they were really asking-

Why was she not afraid?

Shadow cat lovers had destroyed the human kingdom, after all. His mother had tainted a king and brought down a dynasty, had ravaged the land with unhappiness and dreadful rumors and scorn. History stood as a tell tale sign that any and all who took those of shadow blood as their lovers were brought down in the worst darkness imaginable. They would ask her what he was like, and she, weary of the same questions meaning something else entirely, would look them in the eye and state if they wished to know, they should have gotten to know him instead of seduce him for his standing.

They thought her foolish.

She thought them idiotic.

They were ignorant to the man that had saved the kingdom his kin wished leveled. They were ignorant of how when he was alone with someone he loved his posture changed from that of a silent bearer of immeasurable weight to one buckling beneath it. They did not know that he resented his standing, that he wanted nothing to do with being Commander, that he was so strong under a duty he had never wished. That he feared for his men’s lives, that he breathed nightmares knowing his decisions could decide if they live or die. They did not know that whenever someone was flogged or hung from his army that Kanaray, stone faced and silent, counted every lash of the whip, that each blow coiled his muscles under his skin until he hardened every part of himself against it. It never worked. She had put her hand on his arm often enough to witness it, to feel how desperately he wanted to shrink away from the stares and the praise and the scorn.

They did not know how desperately the Commander, with all his strength and power, wished to be loved.

How he was utterly convinced, for years of his king telling him so, that he did not deserve it. That he was nothing.

A soft sigh escaped her, and she felt him shift when her breath tickled his skin.

“Doubt about what?” she asked, her hand trailing from his chest to his hand. He threaded his fingers through hers, and she shifted her head on his shoulder to peer up at him. He was not looking at her, his eyes focused across the room on a thought she could not see.

“You and I,” he plucked it from the air, and with the admittance his jade eyes swept down to meet hers.

Her brow furrowed at the question, and Kanaray, seeing her confusion, elaborated.

“Do you ever have any doubts about loving me?”

At that Finn shifted herself, moving from lying on her side, her cheek against his shoulder, to lying with her torso draped across the side of his, skin on skin. It would be pointless to ask where the thought came from, as Kanaray’s head had been honed with the ability to doubt since he was young. It was crafted from years of the world causing him to do nothing but doubt in order to survive. If he did not doubt everything and everyone then they would turn against him before he expected it.

She put her face close to his and parted her lips, her voice warm.

“Commander,” she addressed him, and a small smile curled one edge of his mouth upward. He often smiled when she addressed him by title, though, admittedly, it was usually in the heat of an argument that she used it. “Have I ever shown doubt?”

Kanaray paused, and Finn pressed a kiss to his chin.

“Do you think I’d be here if I had any?” she whispered softly.

Kanaray’s cheeks flooded with red, and she chuckled, pulling up her arms to lazily cross them over his chest, resting her chin on them.

“Kan,” she chased the laughter out of her voice. “It would be a lie to say I never had any doubts. For years I doubted us. For years I wondered if this was truly what I wanted, if you were worth waiting for, worth the effort I was pouring into us when you never wanted there to be an us in the first place.”

His eyes caught on hers, and she raised her head up as she continued.

“I had more doubt regarding loving you then one person ever needs in their lifetime,” she acknowledged. “I’d spend days agonizing over what I should do, how I could get through to you. I doubted if you truly loved me in return, if you could ever trust me enough to tell me. I was mocked for it, and on some days I mocked myself. But I stuck with you.”

His eyes watched her, drinking in the ease in which she spoke of her doubts as if they were fair weathered friends.

“It made me stronger,” she decided, tilting her head. “Every moment of doubting made me question why it was I loved you so much. It made me realize that I could not give up, no matter what you did to push me away. If I had not doubted as often as I did, I wouldn’t have known why it was so vital that I fight for you, that I fight for us. Instead of swooning over you at every moment like those other fools, I grounded my affection in something stronger, and every time I would doubt it, it would strengthen. It had too, else I would have never waited for you, would have never stood by you like I did.”

Still the halfblood said nothing, and Finn smiled.

“It was worth it, love,” she told him in a low voice. “I have no regrets.”

He cocked his head, black ears sweeping forward to catch her voice.

“None?” he asked, and Finn felt no surprise, felt no alarm that he should be doubting her assurance. Kanaray had no doubts in his own feelings, that much she knew, else they wouldn’t be where they were presently. He was swept up in the mindset that it was too good to be true, that this happiness and joy was to be snatched from him the second he let it sink in. She let the silence trail for a moment, let the moment hover over them both, and then she unfolded her arms. She skimmed her fingers up his chin and then placed her hands on either side of his face, pulling his head toward her as she leaned up to kiss him. Kanaray responded to her at once, and a small thrill tingled down her spine at the wiliness, something that was still new to her, coming from him. She was certain she would be tempted to place her lips over his often, just to experience his reaction. A reaction that did not involve unease or tension.

She pulled back only when she required air, her heart thundering like a wild herd of horses in her chest. She felt his speed up beneath her, and she smiled at it’s pace.

“None,” she breathed against his mouth, her eyes fluttering open to greet his warm gaze. “I love you, Kanaray Hohtay. Fangs, claws and all.”

Kan chuckled, and she wrinkled her nose when she felt the rumble bounce about in his chest.

“And I love you, Lady Finn,” he whispered back to her, his eyes sparking with a light only she was privy to. “Nobility, stubbornness and all.”

She smiled at him, tilting her head to kiss his cheek.

“Say it again,” she murmured, and Kanaray did not hesitate.

“I love you, Finn,” he said in her ear.

She trailed her lips across the corner of his mouth.

“Again,” she requested, and the corners of his lips curled upwards.

“I love you,” was his answer, and barely had he breathed the words then her lips were on his, her hands twining around his neck.

Yes, it had been worth it.

Every single moment.